You are my sweetest downfall

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-10-14T02:55:00

2009-10-14T07:26:12Z

I finished Lipp's book a few days ago. It was a really, really good read and she provides some wonderful exercises. And her reading lists are so wonderful, especially given that she'll give a line or two on what she likes about said book or what to look out for. IMO, her book is what people who are new to Wicca should be reading, not Cunningham.

I started Vivianne Crowley's book "Wicca: A Comprehensive Guide to the Old Religion in the Modern World" and I think this will be a bit of a slower read. Whereas Lipp's book felt more conversational and informal, Crowley's book has more of a "sit down and listen; I'm teaching here." kind of feel to it. Looks like there's a chapter on initiation/dedication and I'm unsure if I should read it or not.

I was going to contact that coven when I was finished with Crowley's book...but I *still* don't feel quite ready yet. I know I can't just keep reading and reading and putting it off. Ah, anxiety, go! I shouldn't be so nervous or afraid of being told "No, not one of us." But I am for some reason. Blah.

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-09-28T21:09:00

2009-09-29T01:18:15Z

Hooray one of my new books came today!

Deborah Lipp's "The Study of Witchcraft: A Guidebook to Advanced Wicca" is now in my possession. It seems like it's a quick read, but it's really not (and I don't mind that). Her writing style almost feels like I'm in a conversation with her. I really really think I'm going to enjoy this book. I haven't gotten very far in the book yet so I can't really say how it is overall.

Now I just need to get Vivianne Crowley's book, and I'll be ready to read for a while :)

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-09-24T01:55:00

2009-09-24T06:06:30Z

Ahhh....the great feeling of getting reading done. Only to start more, of course ;)

I finished The Manual of Hadiths today. It was a really nice, easy read and I enjoyed it a lot. I have the Qur'an to read, but I'm saving that beast (referring to size, not nature of the text) for later though.

My books by Lipp and Crowley are *hopefully* on their way. Those two are next on my reading list. I think that once I've finished reading those two and have read a little more in the Amber & Jet archives (I'm at about 1900 out of 8309 posts so far - go me!), I'll send the coven in Flint, MI an email. One of the girls from the PFRG poppped back in today and mentioned that she was studying with a Gardnerian coven on top of just starting university. So I had the thought "If she can juggle all of that....why am I just sitting here?" I know we all work at different rates, but lately I have kind of been feeling like I'm sitting back for too long. Doesn't mean I'm not nervous though!

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-09-17T02:18:00

2009-09-17T06:40:19Z

Hooray! I started my reading on Thurisaz last night n_n. Paxson wasn't particularly helpful, but Thorsson was - although I will most likely give Paxson another read through. I'm kind of worried I'm getting into the habit of understanding the runes on an esoteric level, but not quite getting a firm grasp on them in the physical world sense ^^;;; I'm pretty sure that's what happened when I was going over Uruz. I feel like it's so backwards! The esoteric meaning should be the more difficult one to grasp.

Chris is ordering my two Wicca-related books on Friday :D I'm excited.

I've really been in a thinking mode lately relating to Seeking. My main focus right now is trying to determine if my life is at a stable enough point right now to make contact with a coven. I mean, yes, income is steady; I work as does my honey. I am in a committed relationship with someone who has been filled in on the basics of what Wicca is and doesn't seem to mind. I do not depend on parents for support, financial, emotional, spiritual, or otherwise. We are renting our own place and intend to stay here for at the very least another year. However, then there are things like my depression which I am not taking medication for because we can not afford the doctor visit nor the cost to fill the prescription. I have been off medication for about 2.5 years now so I'm not even sure if going back on medication would be a good idea. And my job is only part time - I only work 4 days a week at the most. Which on one hand strikes me as a good thing since I'll have more time to learn but on the other hand if something one day were to happen to Chris and he could not be the provider anymore I would be in a rough place. At present we're still trying to get enough saved up to buy a second car.

It kind of sucks because I'm never quite sure how to weigh the pros against the cons x-P I do feel like my life is more stable than it is unstable....but I also realize that the way *I* think of my life matters very little when an HPS is sizing me up.

I know I *should* also be considering what it is I want in a coven. And it's been kind of....an odd thing to think about. I feel like it's akin to someone asking me "Hey what's your favorite kind of cat?" and the only thing I can respond with is "A friendly one? ^^;;; " I just....feel like it's hard to figure out what I want in a coven without actually ever having worked with one (Wiccan or non-Wiccan). I know I want one that is close-knit. I know I don't understand all of the implications of the phrase, but from what I know...perfect love, perfect trust, right?

I think I would prefer a coven that is about middle of the road in its tradition. I don't want a coven that is all "This is the tradition exactly as handed down from our line's creator and we have added nothing to it" nor do I want a coven that has added so much that it can't tell where the core ends and the additions begin. Somewhere in the "This is specific part is core and these parts here are what have been added and here is why etc..." Because I do think (right now, anyways) that some innovations are okay, but the core - the tradition - should be kept in a way that one can look back and clearly see what the core is and what has been added over time.

Sorry for the ramble ^^;;; I've just had these things rolling around my head and I just don't want to forget them.

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-09-15T01:05:00

2009-09-15T05:14:02Z

Well, looks like it's about that time again.

So I know in my last entry I had mentioned that I felt Freyja was kind of backing off. Silly me. The day after I made that post I went out and about to the mall and was looking around an accessory shop and one of the first things I find....a necklace with a strawberry pendant, accented in (fake) gold xD It was on the cheap side so I picked it up. I had also found in another store two very pretty necklaces with skeleton key charms on them, but they were both out of my price range x_x. But since I have an extra paycheck this month I think I'm going to pick one up and make it my Frigg jewelry. For some reason lately I've been associated birds with Frigg and I'm not sure why.

I need to write a note on my forehead to start learning Thurisaz too. I wake up and I know I need to get started on it....but I don't get to it during the day. I'm almost done with reading the Hadiths so I will definitely start on the runes again once I have that finished up. After having an overload of trying to focus on too many things at once a few weeks ago, I am certainly in no hurry to start juggling a lot of things again.

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-09-03T02:41:00

2009-09-03T06:46:14Z

Hooray a sort of on topic post! I'll try to keep my real-life-stuff ranting to a minimum ^_~

I've found that since I've started covering my hair, Freyja has kind of backed off a bit and Frigg seems to have more influence than she's had recently. I don't feel like there's any ill will from Freyja, but I get more of a "Well, I can't do much with you like this!" kind of feeling from her. I'm sad to see Freyja kind of fade, but at the same time I'm glad that the head-covering seems to make Frigg happy :D

I really really need to get back into learning the runes. I keep thinking "Hooray I sort of survived Uruz! Now I get to learn Thurisaz!" xD

I've finished "The Meaning of Witchcraft" and have started "Witchcraft for Tomorrow" by Doreen Valiente. I have a feeling it'll be a faster read than Gardner's books, which makes me happy. I think for my next reads, I'll try to pick up "The Study of Witchcraft: A Guidebook to Advanced Wicca" by Deborah Lipp and/or "Wicca: A Comprehensive Guide to the Old Religion in the Modern World" by Vivianne Crowley.

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-08-24T05:13:00

2009-08-24T09:17:36Z

I hate this feeling I get when I have my fingers in too many pies at the same time and I end up not wanting to do anything related to all the things I'm into at the moment D: I mean, I know I'm still interested in these things, but I lack any kind of drive to keep moving forward with them and it frustrates me because I feel like I'm falling behind even though there isn't a set goal I'm moving towards in particular (I don't think, anyways). I hope I'm just going through a sort of reset at the moment where I'll get figured out what I want to keep juggling and what I feel I've explored enough and put it aside.

Writer's Block: Confidence Booster

2009-08-14T08:58:38Z

What do you wear to feel confident?

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"What do you wear to feel confident" - Writer's Block question

Ha! This is such a good question, given the shift I'm about to take in my wardrobe.

I like to wear clothes that fit me well to feel confident. Not skin-tight, but more so tailored-ish. There should be some ease in my clothing. I like my clothes to be sort of "hip" but also have a kind of classic quality about them. I don't get to buy clothes every season so when I do spend the money on something, it has to be something that I can see myself wearing again next year and probably the year after that.

If I had to name one article of clothing that makes me feel confident, it would have to be my v-neck sweaters I bought...2-3 years ago I think. They're from Old Navy and they're the best sweaters I've ever owned; I'm almost sad that it took me twenty-some years to find them! They fit well but aren't too tight, they hit right at the hip or just below the hip depending on if I air dry them or throw them in the dryer, and they still have kept their color relatively well.

I thought this question was very appropriate to answer since I've made the decision to start dressing more modestly; I want to (at the very least) cover the skin and wear a head-scarf. I at the very least want to make an effort and give it a try. I feel like I'm at a point right now where I want to sort of be tucked away and hidden. I like the feeling of protection and safety that the headscarf and modest dress provide.

Don't get me wrong; I know that it isn't for everyone and I wouldn't wish for every woman to cover up. I think that it should solely be up to the individual in question. I also appreciate it when others look at my choice and simply say "You are doing what you feel is best for you and that's okay." It confuses me to hear "Why are you ashamed of your body?" as if the only reason I would cover up would be because I am somehow ashamed of what I have. Why does cover have to equal shame?

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-07-21T22:22:00

2009-07-22T02:45:30Z

Holy wow, it's been a while since I've updated this.

I feel like I'm being pulled in a couple different directions, so I guess it's just been hard for me to get my thoughts and such straight. And I've had more stuff to post in my personal, non-LJ blog than here. I don't think everyone wants to hear me complain about this and that.

So. Me. Seeking. It's going...alright I guess. I'm in the reading phase at the moment. I haven't contacted a coven or anything. I don't feel I'm ready to present myself to a coven for consideration yet. I just finished Witchcraft Today last night and started in on The Meaning of Witchcraft. Some interesting stuff, but some of it is confusing since I'm not brushed up on some history. I received Valiente's Witchcraft Tomorrow in the mail the other day and that's been added to my "to-read" stack. I have/want to get my hands on one of Deborah Lipp's books and one of Vivianne Crowley's books as well. Hopefully those will be bought with this paycheck.

Norse-related stuff is going well. I FINALLY found a good yarn with which to make my altar mat for my Frigg altar. It's an off-white color with a tiny bit of blue in it. It's a good compromise because I wasn't going to use a yarn without some blue in it, and I'd been getting the sense lately that she didn't want white-blue, but rather something more natural and closer to the color of wool. So hooray for finding yarn.

Just finished my short study of Uruz. Man that was a pain. I have a vague idea of it and what it represents, but I'm unsure on how it's actually used. One of the books said it could be used for healing, which I just don't quite see. I totally understand it as a raw power kind of rune.

I've had the sense of Thorr knocking recently. I'm compelled to create an altar to him, but I have no clue where I'd put it. I'm out of horizontal space that is exclusively mine. I'd feel weird putting him between Frigg and Freyja. I'd want him in a more central location - like the living room or such. I'd like to one day have a Heimdallr altar close to our front door...but not while we still have a roommate.

I've been thinking about modesty and its relation to faith lately. Well, maybe not so much tied to faith. I'm considering it foremost for practical reasons, then seeing if/how I can tie it in to faith (which may or may not be a good idea). I'm totally fascinated with the Muslim hijab. If I were more brave, I'd go up and talk to women wearing it about the whys and hows and such, but I'm afraid of seeming rude (which it probably would be, depending on the place). But I have to figure out how..if I could wear it and not seem like a total contradiction. I won't lie; I love my short-sleeved shirts in the summer. And I have two adorable skirts I just bought from Aerie that make me feel sexy, albeit a bit nervous on windy days LOL. How would I even go about wanting modesty, but wearing clothes like that? Although it was mentioned to me earlier that it's not uncommon to see Muslim girls wearing shorter skirts with tights under it and tall boots (like Uggs). And I'm not sure how to bring it up to the people I usually bounce ideas off of. For some reason, whenever this topic is broached in the forums, there seems to be this thinking of "Clearly if you're covering yourself, you are ashamed of your body and think it a dirty thing." And I feel like it's hard to talk it out and get my thinking in a straight, correct manner when I'm constantly afraid of it turning into a debate of people-wear-what-they-want vs. modesty-is-actually-pretty-nice. I'm not saying all of my favorite folks do this, of course (you know who you are ;) ).

I've thought of working it into a seasonal devotional to Sif perhaps. I mean, she lost her hair when Loki cut it off; she was without her most gorgeous feature. I know some people see the loss of Sif's hair as being symbolic of the barren fields in the winter. So, my idea for this would be to wear the headcovering in the winter. Sif is without her hair and without her beauty, so it's sort of a sympathetic rite/devotion I guess? I'm unsure of wearing it to work though. I don't want to have to explain my personal beliefs and practices to my boss, given her inclination to be bat-shit insane on the most arbitrary things.

Alright, I think I've prattled on quite long enough now.
Comments, questions, complaints are always welcome.

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-03-29T20:36:00

2009-03-30T02:52:05Z

We had our first thunderstorm of the year last night. I immediately thought of Thorr.

Thorr, Defender of Midgardr, Friend of Man, it is good to hear you!

Things have been going well lately. Still...bonding (I guess that's the word I'd use) with Freyr, and Freyja pops in now and then. It's different. I feel close to Freyr lately, but it's not the same pervading closeness that was present with Frigg. It's more of a low-key "Yea we're cool" kind of feeling. I think Freyja still keeps popping in because I haven't buried the amber for her like I said I was going to yet ^_^;;; I do mean to, I'm just not sure where. Or when. There's not exactly a lot of privacy where we live now and while it's a little piece, I don't want it to be dug up or disturbed. I'm picky about this. I might throw in a little strawberry white zinfandel and a strawberry shortcake roll to apologize for my procrastination.

I've been in idle so far in terms of work in the Order. I mean to get my hands on Gundarsson's Teutonic Magic before I start with the runes. I want to use at least 3 decently-received sources in my studying. And of course I have the Rune Poems :3 I'll probably get a calendar pieced together soon too. I have a few ideas of holidays I'd like to incorporate and a few I'd like to move around. While I don't expect anyone else to adhere to the calendar I create, I'm hoping it'll be useful and helpful in connecting to and understand some of the gods I haven't bonded with yet (if that makes sense).

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-02-14T01:31:00

2009-02-14T06:47:11Z

Hello!

Sorry if posts in this will be slow. I will be doing most of my posting in the Order of the Eclipse community :3 I could post in both spots...but that would be terribly redundant.

So...wow, it's only been like 4 days since I've posted last xD I thought it had been at least a week!

I'm thinking something went odd in my blot to Freyr in regards to Chris' job. A few days after I blotted, our boss told us about a new sub-crew that the company wants at each warehouse store. A special-forces of sample ladies, basically. The pay will be better, and there's even a supervisor spot on this crew. Our boss said she already has an idea of who she wants on this crew (which made me think "Well...then why should we bother applying?" ) and that was off-putting. I doubt very much if I'm one of the folks she has in mind for this dream team. But anyways...I'm wondering if there was a miscommunication or if this is Freyr saying "You know, I'm not very inclined to help someone who doesn't believe in me...but I'll help you with that!"

My gods amaze me most days.

tuesdays0violet @ 2009-02-09T03:45:00

2009-02-09T08:57:33Z

Here I am!

Charming of the Plow went well. I blotted mainly to Freyr, but I gave a nod to Frigg and Odinn as well too. I blotted with mead, and then scattered some bread on the ground as well when I poured out the libation. All of the bread was gone in the morning (err, later that morning as the case was xD) and that made me feel like I'd really been heard. I know the birds or cats probably got it and carried it off...but still.

I also did a blot to Freyr to ask for his influence/guidance/what-have-you in the matter of Chris hopefully getting a promotion at work. I'm not sure exactly if there are any taboos or such associated with blotting for someone else...although I kind of imagine there are. I mean, I can understand the gods not wanting to help someone who doesn't care about them one way or the other. But, I benefit too from it if he gets the spot so....I guess I can say that I'm not completely removed from the issue; I'm more than a middle (wo)man.

Also, pretty unrelated to Asatru, I joined the Amber and Jet mailing list. I LOVE that thing. I wish I could print it all out and somehow make a cohesive book out of it all. I'm learning a good bit, but there are still some gaps since I haven't read any of the works of Gardner, Sanders, etc...

Thorrablot

2009-01-16T07:12:40Z

Sorry I'm so awful at keeping up with this T_T.

So, my new year was pretty good. I didn't swear any oaths, but I'm okay with that. Didn't have anything to swear on, nor did I really feel like I had anything appropriate to make an oath on. I'm beginning to find that I'm the type that will rarely make an oath in the event that I can't follow through with it. I feel like it's kind of a "weak" position to have (to me, it smacks of "Oh no! I'm afraid of not keeping an oath so I just won't make any!!!" ), but I feel that for now it is the best position to have seeing as how I don't always have the resources to ensure oaths are fulfilled.

I did my Thorrablot blot tonight (it was yesterday according to my holiday calendar). I think Thorr is opening up to me a little (or I'm opening up to him xD). Invoking him felt....good. Of course it shouldn't feel bad or scary...but I had a really good, "this-is-definitely-right" feeling about it. Or it could just be that since he is Defender of Midgardr that he just looks kindly on all humans. Trying to build a bond with him certainly wouldn't hurt though.

Freyja and/or Freyr are starting to pop up in my life too. I feel bad because I'm really really not sure which one it is...or I acknowledge that it could be both! Tag-teamed by deities....oh my!! I'm leaning more towards it being Freyja though since she had been trying to get my attention a few months ago and is back again. Once the snow is thawed and the ground softened, I'm going to bury a piece of amber as an offering to her.

Now I just wonder when Odinn and I will get around to each other ^_^;;;

Return!

2008-11-24T08:07:21Z

Holy Hel it's been a long time since I've posted! :O Sorry about the absence.

I've been trying to get closer to Frigg; I'm still contemplating being a devoted of Frigg (I wonder if there are any men who are devoted to Frigg?). I'm taking my time deciding because to me, it's a really big fucking decision. I'd really hate to swear to be a devoted of hers, and then like a year or two later say "Yea...not working anymore. Sorry." And I feel compelled lately to offer to Freyja. I don't know why. I'll see something while I'm out and about and think "Oh I bet that would make a good offering to Freyja." I don't want to ignore her, but I really want to have a good rapport going with Frigg first.

I have a little shrine up and going in our home finally! So far on it are my grandmother's urn, a vase (for flowers eventually), and some stones. I want to keep a representation of each deity on it, and I'm choosing to do that with stones. Don't ask why; it's just what clicks for me xD

And I'm getting a rune set for my birthday! I'm so excited.

I haven't blotted in a while. It got really cold really fast and I'm not a big fan of being out in the cold unless I have to. So I might try to dig up a libation bowl for the shrine and do it that way during the winter. But then it turns into an issue of would that offering be seen as more for the ancestors, or for the deities? With my luck it doesn't even really matter and I'm being needlessly anal retentive.

Thingtide

2008-08-23T09:59:31Z

Sorry I've been post-less for a bit; I sort of forget I have a LiveJournal ^_^;;

In the early hours of today, I celebrated Thingtide....well, more specifically Tyr since I really didn't have any Althing-type business. It was my first blot and I think it went well. I hope it went well. The beer I used was a few months expired, but it wasn't too bad. I hailed Tyr, then all the gods, and then ancestors. Sort of generic I guess, but I wasn't going for pyrotechnics and wires with this being my first blot.

I was nervous that I was going to feel like I was talking to nothing during the ritual, but thankfully that wasn't the case. I didn't feel like I was talking to anyone or anything in specific, but *something* was listening. Maybe the land wights?

On a note not related to celebrating the day, I've been interested a bit in witchcraft. Non-ceremonial, non-religious witchcraft. While this seems like a basic concept, some of the people I've talked to completely fail at grasping the concept. I had one person basically tell me that since I don't want to be initiated into a coven then I really have no business wanting to practice witchcraft. WTF? Or, I also enjoyed the people that seem to imply that by being Pagan, you get a free Awesome-Super-Spellcaster pass as soon as you become Pagan. I'm sure I could vent more on that group, but I'll refrain. I just think I'm not going to go back to that site. Thankfully I have a few friends I've been able to ask sort of basic questions and they've been helpful. I'm loathe to sift through a lot of books though because I fear that most of them will be watered-down Wicca. A few sites I've been directed to already have also been less than helpful; wordy and pretty, but seeming to lack any actual, helpful information. Like this gem for example:

"Nordic myth tells the tale of Hel, who is the Queen of the Underworld, and she keeps the spirits of the dead in an Elder tree until it is time for them to be reborn."

What? What Nordic myth says that? Citation plzkthx. Granted there's nothing in the lore that's against reincarnation, there's also nothing specifically for it. And where does this keeping spirits of the dead in an Elder tree come from? Even if the author would've made a note that it was UPG, it would've been nice rather than passing it off as actual myth.

Anywho, I think I've done enough bitching for one post. I've been in that kind of mood the past few days.

Ew, beer

2008-08-10T07:30:20Z

So just a few bits and ends here tonight.

I've decided that I just can NOT stomach beer. And I bet right now Odinn is going "WTF? GTFO of my Asatru!" (rofl!). I can choke it down, but I'd hate to be loathing something I'm supposed to be offering to my gods; it seems a bit off to offer something to them while going "BLECH!" in my mind. Too bad cider isn't available year-round. Might try to find mulled (or is it spiced?) wine at someone else's suggestion.

I had a hectic few days, so I need to get back on track and get back to planning out a blot of sorts.

And that's all I have to say for tonight ^_^

Ritual planning

2008-08-07T10:34:57Z

So I'm thinking that since I lack any creative writing skills at the moment I'm going to try to focus on planning out an official blot/sumbel to the gods (with an emphasis on Odinn). I'm kind of nervous about it since I don't want to mess it up or offend the gods, but I know I realistically can't wait around forever until I find a kindred or other group to worship with. I would probably be 40 by the time I find a kindred! There needs to be a Ravenbok-Midwest. Maybe eventually one day I can create one if someone else hasn't already.

Just wanted to post real quick before I hop off for the morning/night.

Freyfaxi

2008-08-01T11:12:03Z

So I just got done doing a bit of an odd offering to Freyr for Freyfaxi. I had some deceased house plants and I took them outside and scattered them under a tree. Once I got outside it did occur to me that I should've brought a cup and some of the beer in the refridge to make it even more of a ritual. I'll admit, it felt kind of odd to be celebrating a harvest time when we're not really harvesting anything here yet.

I know you're probably thinking "dead plants? WTF?" But! Here's my reasoning. Freyfaxi was a celebration of the harvest time in Iceland. After crops have been harvested the soil is kind of depleted of vitamins and minerals and a common practice (here, anyways) to help reintegrate those things back into the soil is to leave some of the dead plant matter in the fields to deteriorate and put the vitamins and minerals back into the soil. Hence what I was trying to accomplish, or at least symbolize, with my dead plants.

And that's my reasoning =D

It was nice out and I would've liked to have stayed out longer to meditate a bit, but some idiot that lives on the first floor had his shitty-ass R&B music blaring, and it's hard to concentrate when that's your background x( I keep hoping that one day every speaker in that guy's apartment mysteriously blows up or something.

Still working on something to offer to Odinn. I thought maybe some food at first, but now I'm also considering perhaps writing him a few short poems and then burning them.

And now I'm off!

Testing

2008-07-31T13:57:22Z

So...my first LJ entry.

Testing...testing 1 2 3....